Candid as F$&%


Managing my Bipolar in a Tough Season


So, I have bipolar.  If you know me, you know this.  If you don’t know me, yes I am clinically insane and I own that as part of who I am.  Because in the times when I have tried to deny it, or to pretend it doesn’t exist, I have experienced some pretty terrible sh**.  And even when I have tried, I’ve gone through hell and back.  And those lows are not something I ever want go to through again.  So, I manage it.

(Here is my disclaimer: just like all humans are unique, all cases of bipolar are different.  I’m not a doctor or counselor, just a patient. Tips and tricks that work for me might not work for you.  Always always always talk to your doctor.)

This season has been a tough one for me.  For one, fall is always a hard time of year for me.  The shorter days, the cold coming, less time outside, all of that can get me down.  And some of my daily joys are no longer here. My sister and her kids moved back to WA.  As much as kids can be little hellians, they can also be a huge source of joy, and laughter, and love, and kids have always been that for me.  And my sister is my best friend, so not being around her on a daily basis… well, it sucks. Plus, my favorite guy is deployed and contact is limited.  And I know what you’re thinking… girl, that would be tough for anyone! And you are right!

But I’m not just anyone.  In my beautiful brain, a little can turn into a lot, fast.  It’s taken me years to learn myself (that’s a constant though, right?), and especially to navigate my bipolar. Through this process, I’ve learned to recognize my warning signs before they turn into triggers.  Before I lose touch with reality. Before I lose my hope, my will to live, and end up in the hospital. Because again, I’m not going backwards. Only forwards.


So, mine go a little like this:

1. I worry about things that I can’t control, or things that I definitely don’t need to worry about.  Like politics. I do not need to overthink and panic about the world’s problems because of politics.  Or even how I’m going to afford a house one day. That is far in the future, there is no sense or reason to be stressing and obsessing about it now.

2. I get more tearful.  Now, I am a cryer. And sometimes I just need to cry things out.  But when I start crying more frequently, I have to ask myself, is something wrong?  Am I crying too often?  Am I crying more than I am laughing?  Because if I notice that, I know that I’m not feeling good enough.

3. I just feel down.  I have a harder time feeling joy.  I have a harder time feeling happy.  It feels like joy and laughter and warmth feel further and further away.  And I have to try to reach them.  And that becomes exhausting.  Just to feel good, just to wake up happy, becomes a chore.  Blah!

4. And the big one: my sleep.  It becomes harder for me to fall asleep.  I can’t seem to slow my brain down. Or once I’m asleep, I dream so much that I wake up feeling like my brain never really rested.  Normally I need a lot of sleep. When I’m at my best, I get 8-10 hours on a weeknight, 12-14 on a weekend. Again, that is just who I am.  And when that starts to slip, I know I need to make a course correction.

So what do I do first?  Ask my safety team. A safety team is a small group of people, all who you can trust, who know you well, who can be honest with you and who you can be vulnerable with.  They are the people you save in your phone as ICE (in case of emergency) and that on the tough days, you can always go to. For me, I check in with my family and the people who love me lots to see what they think.  Because they know me well and can give me the encouragement I need to GO TO THE DOCTOR.

So a few weeks back, when I checked in with my sister, she was able to tell me with lots of love, you have seemed down, maybe just go in and ask?  Which means: girl, get your butt into the doctor! I went in 2 days later.

Second, I take my meds.  I will never, ever, ever quit my meds (thanks T-Swift!).  My life is too hard without them. (And life is going to be hard enough by itself, I don’t need to make it any harder).  It took a long time to find a medication combination that works for me. But, because life comes in seasons, sometimes I have to make adjustments.  So I talked to my doctor. I shared what I was feeling; my concerns, and asked what we should do. And we came up with an adjustment together. Ultimately, I was SO thankful, because that feel better was on its way!

Next, I check in on my self care.  Am I eating well? Am I exercising?  Because believe it or not, that matters.  A lot. And the answer for me, a few weeks back, was: not really.  I had let it slip. More sugar, more carbs. Less walking, less exercising, less movement altogether.  Also, how is my fun? Am I making time to do things with friends, or pursue hobbies? Because fun matters.  Laughter matters. In this life, if you don’t say no to stress, it will work its way into your life and take over. I realized I was letting that slip, too.  Not scheduling enough fun time, not scheduling enough friend time, not pausing to chat with my roommates or taking a moment to joke in the hall with my coworkers.  Not cool, Kels. Life should be fun, full of love and laughter. And while not every day, or every moment will be, it’s something we should pursue with vigor.


Finally, I check in on my soul.  Yep, faith has been the key that unlocked my freedom.  My relationship to God, and to Jesus, has to come first.  Because while I can’t let all the other pieces slip, and hope that prayer alone saves me (cause it won’t) – I am an eternal being.  And in my prayer and my worship, and pursing my God-given gifts, I find my purpose. And when I have a purpose, I have a reason to live.  I know that the world needs me, people need me, my friends need me, my family needs me, I need me, and most importantly, Jesus needs me.  Right here, right where I am, right exactly as I am.  And even in a tough season, God reminds me of that.  He pulls it all together in the most magical ways. And reminds me, I have BIG purpose here.

So, yep, I’ve been having a tough time.  And sometimes admitting that sucks. I’m a strong and powerful woman, so saying I have weakness is uncomfortable.  But that’s okay, I can handle uncomfortable. I can get accustomed to that place of need. Because in the past, when I haven’t, it’s turned bad.  And to be really honest, sometimes the fear of having another episode brings me to my knees. It’s in those same moments, I am reminded to give my worries to God.  I step out in trust and say, You have gotten me this far, You will get me through anything. I trust YOU with my future. I trust YOU with my health. I trust YOU with my heart.  Jesus and I make a pretty fantastic team that way. Together, we got this…

Are you struggling?  Are you hurting? Are you in a dark season?  I’ll tell you, I’ve truly been there… and it truly is going to be okay.  Check in with yourself, and turn to those who love you most.  Make those gentle adjustments. Choose a little bit more light, a little bit more ease,  a little bit more laughter, and a lot more love. Choose that for you, and then trust that you are going to be okay.  Because in the end, it will all be okay. And if it’s not okay, that’s just because it’s not the end.


I write this for you just as much as I write it for me.  Maybe more…



Tell Kids the Truth About Who They Are!


I’m sitting on my bed, reading the news, looking down at my sweet niece Violet sleeping soundly next to me, and I wipe away the tears running down my cheeks.  I scroll over the details of the loss and tragedy, and of the pain and suffering that our world endures.  I pray that this violence stops, that no more families have to suffer this way, that no more children or people feel so far from love that they are capable of this, that my precious family is kept safe; but deep down know that God made me to do more.  I have a bold voice and I will use it.  I hope you read this, and then are motivated to talk to children and each other the way we were meant to.  And I ask that you stand up for mental health acceptance (awareness is not enough, folks), that you vote for lawmakers who make decisions based on the best interest of the people they represent and not the best interest of their wallets, and that you personally practice kindness, even when it feels impossible.  Kindness is a specific, tangible, love-inspired concept that can change our hearts and change the world.     


Recently, I began ministering to others through a counseling program my church offers.  In this, and in my general interactions, I have found that we have an epidemic of low self esteem in America.  I am going to touch on a few things that I believe to be harmful to self image, and then also share what I believe can be solutions (because if there is a problem, there is always a solution.  Always.)

Here are the three things that I believe diminish our self esteem and personal sense of self worth:

  1. Social Media
  2. The way we talk to each other  
  3. The pursuit of the truth about our value.  (Heads up, I am Christian, so I believe that God gives us innate value.  But even if you have another faith, or are still figuring it out, I know that the general concepts of value apply to you as well!)  

Okay, social media… I’ll keep this short (cause I could write a whole post on this):  

  1.  Social media does not accurately represent our lives or the lives others.  
  2.  Social media begs for comparisons, and often not positive ones.
  3. Social media does not allow for genuine connection.  

Now number 2: The way we talk to each other. Somewhere along the line, we became too critical.  Instead of building each other up, we became this every man for himself, don’t pass out or accept compliments, competition driven society.  Many people don’t even know how to accept a compliment anymore (tip: it’s just a simple thank you).  They deny the compliment, saying oh no, not really.  Or even if they accept it, they don’t truly believe it.  Let me tell you something (that you’ve probably heard a million times but is worth repeating): Trying to dim someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours burn any brighter.  Ever.

Okay, number 3 is big: we must pursue the true value of our lives.  Somewhere along the line, we forgot how important we are.  A wise man once told me that we must value each other for who God says we are, instead of what we can do for society.  (Who is that guy?  Pastor Tim Scott.)  We live in a world where accomplishments mean so much.  When we hear a person’s introduction, it’s all about what they’ve done.  But less often, we hear about who they are.  Let me tell you something: you are valuable because of who you ARE, regardless of what you can or can’t do.  We need to tell remind each other of this, and treat each other accordingly.

Alright, now you’ve heard the problems… Let me share my ideas for solutions (I’m sure there are many, but I’ll share a few):

  1. Tell kids the truth about who they are.  Kids should truly believe that they are smart, kind, capable, loved and important.  Their identity should be formed around this belief.  They should trust this truth so fully that it cannot be shaken, regardless of a failure or what some critical person may say. Because, honestly, kids are all these things.  Regardless of their actions, or accomplishments, children must understand that they are special and loved and that the world needs them
  2. Turn off social media, and connect with people in a real way. (That’s it!)
  3.  We need to build each other up.  We need to overdo it with compliments, love and affirmations.  We need to be a fierce tribe of people that don’t allow any child, or adult, to be sucked in to a place so dark that they forget their true value.  We need to notice each other.  We need to ask the tough questions:  Are you really ok?  Can I help you?  Do you need to talk?  How can I give you support?  What are you feeling?  Ask them all!  And often!  And then meet them with love, while reserving judgement.  Because you know what?  When people are loved, and feel safe, that is the jumping off point for them to grow!  (My church Grace SD taught me that one, and tells me again every Sunday, because we can never overdo it with creating safety in love).

When these terrible acts in our community happen, I ask myself, who in that person’s life could have stepped in and said something?  Maybe you think that mental health access needs to change, or gun laws need to change, or lots of things need to change (and I’m sure that we can always be improving things)… but at the same time we have to ask ourselves:  How can I change?  How can I be better?  Am I noticing the people around me?  Am I being kind?  Am I shying away from tough questions and conversations just because it isn’t easy to dive into?  Am I loving others deeply?

To my very core, I believe that we can end the epidemic of low self esteem.  We can be the community that rids itself of these extreme evils.  We can be people who love ourselves and believe in each other.  But it has to start with you, and with me, and with action in love.  Above all, I believe that the cure-all for the world is kindness.  Be kind to others, and be kind to yourself.  I pray that we all do this a little more, and that we have a world that is a lot better for it.






#YellowLight Movement

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Okay my loves, let’s start a movement.  I have high hopes for this one, for two reasons: One, I think it’s timely.  And two, I think the world needs it.  I think I need it and you need it.  So here we go!

The #YellowLight movement: we are in a time of mental health awareness (thank goodness, #amiright?).  I am inspired to know that mental health acceptance is on the rise.  Resources for those of us who struggle with mental health diagnosis are becoming more common.  Our families and friends can get help in supporting us too.  This is all very good news.  But I have noticed, that while there are great emergency services, and great routine services, there doesn’t seem to be enough in the middle.  What do I mean, in the middle?

In the middle: I call it yellow light status.  These are the times that most of us have, where we feel on the edge, unable to cope, struggling and yet still functioning (maybe just barely).  We are not to red light status, in which Crisis Response should be involved or we need to go straight to a hospital.  But we are not okay either.

I have thought a lot about this in-between state, and the yellow light idea came from helping a few friends through this type of period in their lives.  After talking with a few people, it occurred to me that we don’t always need professional intervention, or someone with a degree, to help us in this time.  (Don’t get me wrong, asking for help from professionals is often a good idea, and they should definitely be included when necessary.)  But often times, we just need to talk to someone.  We might need someone to listen while we talk through a problem.  We might need someone to give us advice or new ideas around a situations we are in.  We may just need someone to give us a hug while we cry it out.  This type of support can come from community!

I have been blessed with tremendous community in my life.  Unfortunately, not everyone in the world has the support they need.  In an ever-increasing global community, I totally think we can become #yellowlight friends no matter where we are.

So, what do you do, as a #yellowlight friend?  First, tell people that you are in, and that they can count on you.  Second, when someone tells you they feel a bit like a #yellowlight, reach out to them.  Be there for them in their time of need (this can be so meaningful for them and for you).  Finally, get some resources.  I suggest having the Crisis Intervention and Resource information handy (save it on your phone!) so that in the event you feel in over your head, you can help your friend get some red light resources.  Research and share ways to help people in tough times.  You may even learn some skills for yourself!

And for those of us who feel that we are in need of a #yellowlight friend, what can we do?  I personally have a really hard time asking for help.  And I know many of you do too.  So much so, that at times I let myself hurt or feel alone just because I can’t utter the phrase “I need help.”  That is a tough thing to admit.  In an era of individualism, we celebrate all that we can accomplish on our own.  But we must balance that with leaning on each other.  No one was meant to do it all alone.  And so, if you are feeling the feels and needing help, even if you don’t know what that help would look like, you can post #yellowlight.  Or text a friend #yellowlight.  Or tell someone: I’m having a #yellowlight kind of day.  And those yellow light friends will respond.

We are making leaps and bounds as a community who accepts our limitations and where mental health disparities aren’t looked at with shame.  And so when we find ourselves in that middle zone where things aren’t okay (but not so bad that we should head straight to the hospital), we need each other.  We need to know who those #yellowlight friends are, and we need to have a simple way to reach out.  You can be a #yellowlight friend and you can ask for a #yellowlight friend.  Go spread the word, you yellows!

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And know that I will be your #yellowlight friend, if you ever need…